[1/8/2002]

I wish it were really as easy as simply being. We must "be" within a structure we did not create. We must function accourding to rules which do not necesarily make sense. Sometimes we can find others who see what makes sense and what does not, but these often adhear to certain nonsensical tenets without even knowing it. They see some flaws, yet stand upon others. Few there are who have peirced through the veils of their every belief with the cold beam of reason's light.

Giving in to pure appetite is not living. We must accept the whole, including that which we have created (to deny ones part in the creation of culture simply by rejecting it's esential reality or by criticising it's consistancy is silly). Living is to exist within the structure while recognizing that it is illusory. Living is to truely feel, yet to channel inapropriate feeling into appropriate outlets.

Living is compromise. To live is to lie. To live is to lie in the most honest way you can.

The reason we all feel so alone: none of us fits into the structures around us. We have built a world that ill fits us.

Social structures are meant to check our base apetites. Yet the structure of comercialism exploits base apetites.

There is such a hunger within me. A predatory urge. I know that there is no such thing as an absolute morality. We made it all up. What stops me from letting the hunger free to act? I cling to structures of my own. I know they are shadows and light, but I do my best to make myself beleive in them.

Because if I didn't, I would shatter their frail structures and smash their frail bodies. (I'm sooo close to anti-social...)

It would almost be worth it.

Why don't I? Fear.

I fear nothing.
But there is nothing to fear.

There is nothing to beleive in.
There is nothing to beleive in.

Beleive in nothing.

Nothing will set you free.

The thing is, I desperately want to be a part of the structure; at least some of the sub-structures are beautiful beyond measure. I want to be a part of that. But are any of them close enough to my own personal structure to be worth the effort required to learn?

Wait... I know this one. The point is not to learn to conform. The point is to continue with your own structure. Each continues with his own structure, and those of like structures will find each other.

That's fucking awsome. You don't have to learn. You don't have to follow anyone's path. Just keep to your own. You may find that feet other than your own have come this way... or others may find themselves following your steps. Either way, don't focus on the steps of others. Make your own way. Create your own life. If you love what you see, make it a part of you. If you hate what you see, make it a part of you. Eyes wide and lucid, Dream yourself into being.

When nothing is real, everything is a lie...
and everything is true.